Determined...but why?

So I sit here every morning and open up my WW Tracker and enter in my points for the day before, if I missed anything, and my AP. I add my points for the day so far and then think, hmmm...why am I so focused? Why am I so dedicated this time?

"Cause you are not happy!" who said that? "Cause you feel or felt like crap", okay, so that little voice is talking to me again! And yes on both those questions. I feel or felt like crap and yes I am getting happier. I have been very focused for the past 12 weeks. On Tuesday it will be three months since I made the decision to change my life. 3 months already! Time flies....but I want to reflect on that a bit. What have I done in those 3 months?

I rejoined WW and have lost 38 lbs since August 10th. I have lost 51.1 lbs since January 2008. I am proud of that.

I started exercising. Not a lot at first, but a little was all I needed. Now 12 weeks later I workout 2-3 times a week, at a gym and have aquired a personal trainer. I have to start with that trainer but I have one. WOW!

I have a better attitude. I am more positive and confident.

I have restful sleep. I have been able to sleep in the same bed as my hubby for the first time in years. He snores you see "Like a Freight Engine" and since my activity has increased I am so tired that I can sleep through it for the most part.

I have stopped watching TV. I don't watch nearly what I used to. I haven't even seen any Grey's Anatomy this season, it's PVR'd but that's it. I am just so busy. Work has been crazy, then home, eat, tidy up, and then off to workout. I think I need to refocus this and make a schedule of some sort to ensure that I am spending time with hubby and daughter. I know that daughter is going through withdrawls. It's very hard to spend time with her during the week. I get home at 6:30pm and she is ready for bed and getting settled around 8pm. 1.5 hours is not very long for quality time. I might need to rethink that.

So here's a question, how do you break a habit? DD is so used to falling asleep on DH that at 8pm she is on his knee and there till 9pm. Then at 9pm it's TV time for DH and me if I'm there. DH is a little bit stuck in this pattern and we need to get him out of it. He is sick at the moment with a sinus cold and I am trying to keep my distance so our quality time is limited because of that and we have had company for 2 months almost.

Life is crazy and busy and trying to refocus and get a handle on that is very challenging. I need to get a schedule going of when and where we need to be and what we need to do to be together more, all three of us.

I think that's what I am going to do! I am going to have to done something to get ourselves organized so that we can spend more time together!

So the past 3 months have been great! I have lost a bunch of weight, feel great and I am more focused then I have ever been in my life. I just need to work on a couple of things!

Cheers!!

Sisters....

So my sister just phoned and congratulated me on my 50 lb star! That was a great call to get. My sister and I are 10 years apart, me being the elder of the two. We have never been really close but the past few years this has changed. We are closer now then ever and I love that!

She recently was in town for a visit and saw my progress with WW and this motivated her! I am so happy. I want her to be all she can be and this will be an amazing journey for her and me. I am very excited to be able to motivate her for once. I don't think she understands how much I look upto her. She is my inspiration for many things in my life. She is beautiful, she is smart and she is determined. Yes she frustrates me at times, but she is my hero in many ways. The fact that something that I have done has motivated her makes my heart smile!

I am looking forward to chatting with her on the WW Boards and helping guide her along this great journey. We can do this together! That's just awesome and knowing that has made my day!!!!

I wish her all the success in the world and can't wait to see how she does every Sunday!

Cheers!!

Can I get a 50????

Wow, yesterday was WI day. I got on the scale at my usual 6:00am and thought for sure, I am going to gain this week and I am okay with that considering what I ate last week. I have been pushing really hard at the gym and doing very well!

-3.4, 3.4.....how did I manage that? So there I am, pluggin in my WI into WW and bam....my 50lb star pops up! I have lost 51.1lbs since January 2008. WTF??? seriously?? That's 5 10lb bags of potatoes. Can you imagine carrying that. Next time you are at the grocery store, try and lift 5 ten pound bags of potatoes.....wow. I can't grasp the fact that I used to walk around with that. Amazing!

I don't have much time to right today, but I am very proud of me today!

Cheers!

Dreams....

So I had this really wierd dream last night. I can't remember exactly right now what it was about, I did remember this morning, but it has disappeared from my memory. I do remember one thing, I was in the dream, I could see myself. I could see the thinner me! I have been having trouble seeing the thinner me. I have dropped 47lbs since January 2008 and for some reason I can't see it.

I walk past a mirror or a window, sometimes stop, and look. I don't see it. The voice inside my head says "LOOK, your ass is disappearing!" I think my inner voice is dillusional. I just don't see it. I know it's happening. My clothes are way too big, I am wearing a size 20 and everyone is now noticing. But for me, cause I look at me everyday, I don't see it.

I notice that I am smaller when it comes to sitting in chairs with arms. I notice I am smaller by how much further away from the steering wheel I am. I notice I am smaller when I try to reach around me and I can.

So Tuesday night I went to the gym and joined! I am proud of me! I don't think that when the weather turns cold I will continue walking the way I have been. Every night that I do walk, right afterwards, I get in the car and go and get a coffee, so I figure why wouldn't I drive to the gym and then get a coffee. I can do this!

While I was there signing up for the membership, my inner voice piped in "Come on, go for the personal training!""Look at that flab!""How ya gonna get rid of that?" So against better judgement I did it! I now have a personal trainer. It's not going to be a bad thing. I need to have someone motivating me. I CAN DO THIS!!!!

I am waiting to hear when my first session with her will be, but till then I am going to the gym for the first time tonight and will walk the treadmill and then perhaps try the eliptical. I CAN DO THIS!

Cheers!

Life is busy!

Not much time to write, but I will report my WI for this week!

I did very well last week. -4.6lbs!! woohoo me! I stayed OP and drank all my water for the "Biggest Loser Challenge!". This week our challenge is to stay OP all week and 2 out of 7 days so far! Here's to another great loss next Monday!

Cheers!

Yesterday...

All my troubles seemed so far away,

Now it looks as though they're here to stay,

Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be,

There's a shadow hanging over me,

Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.

I said, Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, Love was such an easy game to play,

Now I need a place to hide away,

Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.

I said, Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, Love was such an easy game to play,

Now I need a place to hide away,

Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONXp-vpE9eU

It was a good day yesterday. I was back OP and drinking all my water for the Biggest Loser Challenge. If only the scale had been more positive yesterday morning. I am working on next Monday being the best day ever!

Got out last night and did my walk which was great! I love being able to go for my walk and just think. I think about everything. Work was rough yesterday so I was able to blow off a little steam. Love this song to walk to.....it's awesome!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yq77pTi03qQ

Music really has a way of lifting my spirits and making me focus. When I walk out the door, headphones on and turn on my Ipod I get energized. The first song I hear is this one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJZDsJ8UU64

I start to walk and I'm pretty sure that I am singing out loud. Do I care if someone hears me, not really! It's not about them, it's about me and it makes me happy! My sister gave me some new stuff that she insists I add to my collection of walking songs....not too sure though.

You be the judge:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMo45wN81Rw&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFryG9ON7Tw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrVlBrooxcM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AubvMnIwUM

http://www.youtube.com/user/beyonce?blend=1&ob=4#p/a

NOTE: This is my theme song!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NF9QI18-Bpo

Having listened to them all again, I believe that I just might have to add these to my library plus some others! Do any of you out there have suggestions??????

Cheers!

To Gain or not to gain....

That's a simple question, to gain this week for sure. Blah, that sucked. Getting on the scale this morning and I knew it, just knew that what was going to be there was not going to be very good. +2.2lbs.....yucky! I am still proud of myself though. I mean, come on folks, the fat girl has lost 30lbs in 10 weeks. To me that's okay! It could've been a lot worse. But it also shows me that it doesn't take much for me to slip. I have refocused and regrouped as of yesterday and am trying my best to make sure that I don't see that plus again.

I know what happened. I am not in denial. I could feeling it happening. I didn't make the best choices, had several dinners out. Also, I had chinese on Friday night and we know that's loaded in salt. Duh, you know better than that!

I could hear that voice again "you really shouldn't be eating that", "wow, did you have to eat that much Sesame Chicken???"!! Um....my response...NO, but it sure tasted good. So not worth the points....but I did it and I am moving on. Sunday was a the start of back OP and going to have a loss next week for sure!

Cheers!

Slippery Slope!

Ever wonder how quickly you can slip into that dreaded old routine? I think for me it would happen far to quickly if I let it. I have not had a very good week in terms of eating. Nothing terrible but a little bit too much and not enough veggies!

I am sitting here watching TV and wishing I was going for a walk. It's 9:47pm, dark, cold and not overly inviting for a walk. My knee is bothering me today too. I think that perhaps I did to many jumping jacks last night....fat girl jumps, next at 11!

I don't regret doing my workout! After going to that event at the Sheraton and eating (hides head and whispers) dessert.....and a gasp is heard from the crowd...I really needed the workout. I felt really yucky and working out helped me feel more like the me I have been for the past few weeks!

So, back to the slippery slope. I think that my chair lift is quickly approaching the top of the slope and I am going to have to refocus to make sure that I don't get off at the top!!!

Confession is good for the soul....right????

Atleast that's what I have always been told. Hmmm...well okay here we go! I did not workout last night (hangs head in shame). I know, I know, one night of no exercise will not kill me right? I try and do some for of exercise everyday but I was sooo tired yesterday and just couldn't do it.

I have this event tonight and was trying on clothes most of the evening to no avail. I mean, when you used to wear a size 26 and are now a size 20, it's a little difficult to find something in your closet that doesn't make you look like you are wearing a tent!!!

I tried on more outfits that I ever thought possible, one being an amazing dress that I wore 8 years ago to Mama Mia and my god IT FIT!!!

But, after trying on all that stuff I was at a loss for an outfit and thought that if one of my options is to wear a skirt I better go out and get the dreaded pair of pantyhose that all us fluffy women love to wear!

So there I am, 8pm, arrive at Walmart, mother in tow, and head straight for the Plus Size Section. I spot a pair of pants, nice for Walmart pants, and grab a 20 and head to the change room. HOLY CRAP!!! They fit and they even look good! I could bend, sit, walk and not feel like I was bulging out of them. So in the cart they go and forgoe the dreaded hosiery and head for the checkout.

We did walk a little bit around the mall so I am saying atleast I didn't sit on my not as big as it used to rearend and do nothing. I walked in the mall for a little!!

I am not sure how today is going to go being OP and all with this event tonight. I have no idea what menu options there will be, but I will try and make healthy choices and only have one glass of wine as I am driving tonight!

Cheers!

Sunshine Thoughts

Good Morning!

Pepper55 on the WW 100+ message board posted something really inspiring today and I thought I would share it here!

"Sunshine Thoughts"

Don’t Quit

When things go wrong
as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re
trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low,
and the debts are high,
And you want to smile,
but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must,but don’t you quit.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar.
So, stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit
It’s when things go wrong that you mustn’t quit.

Proud

I am proud of the new me! I just posted that on a WW Board. It's so true. I am proud of the new me. I have found myself. I am trying to be a positive person. I am trying to be more caring. I am proud of the new me!

I need a nap

Wow, am I tired today. I wish there was a couch somewhere that I could go crawl on and sleep for like an hour. An hour should do it. I should be able to function if I could just get an hour power nap! Is an hour a power nap or just a nap?


Today was a good day overall though. Stayed somewhat OP.


7:00am - Neighbours Coffee (2 cream, 1 splenda)
9;30am - Whole Grain Cheerios, Skim Milk
11:00am - Coffee (1 splenda, cream) and PC Cranberry Orange Cookies
12:15pm - Went to this event at the International Center and they served a light lunch, I had a mini spring roll, phyllo stuffed with spinach, pork skewer, dessert glass full of veggies and left before looking at the dessert table, all in all not bad considering the portion sizes
2:15pm - Mini Rice Cakes
6:30pm - Dinner TBD
8:30pm - Pumpkin Muffin (lowfat-Hungry Girl Recipe)


Exercise - 20 min of the 30 Day Shred (Day 17 I believe)


I hope that tomorrow will be a better day, tiredness wise. It should be fairly busy around here so that's good. I do have a dinner event to go to and wonder what that is going to bring in the food department! There won't be a workout or walk tomorrow

Biggest Loser Challenge

So I read a post yesterday on WW about a Biggest Loser Challenge, can you say "Hell Yes"! How exciting is this going to be? I am so inspired by this show. I never ever watched these types of shows before. Sometimes I would watch x-weighted but I always felt like Paul was looking through the TV at me judging me and I couldn't handle that. I would sort've cringe and hide on the couch hoping he couldn't see me. I know that's silly but that's how I felt.

9 weeks ago when I started my journey I never would have thought that fitness would become my focus. Me, the fat kid, wanting to walk, lift weights, and even jog!!! HA! Now that's worth a knee slap. But, here I am and I have to say that I have become a little addicted. I absolutely love to do some form of exercise everyday. Someone told me a couple of weeks ago that on average it takes a person about 6 weeks to make something a habit. He also pointed out to me that I was at that 6 week mark and well on my way. Well he was right, fitness is now a habit for me and I hope it always will be.

The Biggest Loser challenge is going to be great! I am apart of a few other challenges on the WW message boards but this is going to be really fun. We will have to get our creative juices flowing to see if we can get some interesting tasks each week, but I am sure they will be great!

I had a very big Non-scale Victory over the weekend. I was doing my ironing on Monday and tried on a pair of pants that I had bought just three weeks ago and BAM, they are too big! I have dropped to a size 20!!!!!!! The size 22 pants bought just three weeks ago are huge, I was able to pull them off without undoing them! AWESOME feeling, let me tell you. Then this morning I was digging in my closet found a pair of pants that I had from 10 years ago and went to put them on and they too were huge and I can't wear them! It's very very exciting!!

Well, things are going in the right direction (DOWNWARD) and here's to a great week of staying on plan and getting all that activity in!

And so it begins!

Well, I have decided to take hold of my life and start anew. 9 weeks ago I was at my parents place for vacation and something inside me just clicked. That little voice that creeps in every once in a while "You're too fat to do that!" is what it told me this time! I was getting into a boat to go finishing and my rubber boots didn't fit over my calves, and I had a hard time lifting my 294lb butt into the boat. "You need to do something about this!" it told me. Now, I have heard this little voice before and sometimes I have listened to it. Sometimes I have just told it to shutup and go away. But something clicked this time inside me and said, you know, that voice has a point. I am 33 years old, have a wonderful husband, and fabulous 3.5yr old daughter and my whole life ahead of me, I hoped anyway! Why wouldn't I want to do this. Why wouldn't I want to take control of my life and live the way I want to. So that did it. That was it, I had had it. I was taking control and going to see myself feel better and live longer!

So here I am. 9 weeks later after recommitting to WW, 32lbs lighter and 12.5 inches gone! WOW, I can't believe what I have been able to accomplish so far! The dedication is almost mind boggling for me. This is not usually who I am. I am the failure, I am the one who will eat the whole big bag of chips when offered just one. But I have been able to take control and prove to myself that I can do this.

For the first two weeks I spent time relearning all about WW and what needed to be done to keep me On Plan and focused.

Week 1 -5.4
Week 2 -3.6

At the start of week 3 I added exercise into the mix. I thought walking would be a great place to start. I walked every second night for 30 min. 30 min was all my legs could handle. It was a slow pace and not overly heart pumping, but when I got back I always felt great!

Week 3 -2.2

In week 4 I started reading about The 30 Day Shred with Jillian Michaels. I watched the You Tube video clips and read all about it. I have to tell you I was scared to death! That little voice piped up on the Thursday morning of that week and said "Come on you baby, if you really want this you have to work for it! Suck it up and buy the video!" I went hunting and searching all over town and found a copy. Went home, dyed my hair and stuck it in the DVD player. OMG!! I am going to die! How am I suppose to do what she does? There is just no way! I woke up on Friday morning at 5:15am, got dressed, went down to the basement and pressed play. I struggled through it but didn't die. I couldn't breath and thought my legs were going to fall off but I lived through it. "Good for you!" that voice said, "Now we're talking!"

Week 4 -2.6

After trying to do the Shred two days in a row, and wondering if my legs were actually going to come detached from my hips, I decided that every second day would probably keep me out of traction. So Shred one day and walk the next. This is working for me. I love it. I have increased my walk to 40min, brisk, and feel amazing.

Week 5 -3
Week 6 -4.2
Week 7 -0.8
Week 8 -4.6
Week 9 -5.6

This is where I am now. I weighed in yesterday and was shocked to a 5.6lb loss. I have been working very hard. I joined aquafit a couple of weeks ago and that is every Tuesday night. My walk is now 4km and 40min in length and the Shred is every second day or so, still on level one, but I can do everything!